TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 2009

(part 135) "THE GUARD"


"The guard" was created out of desperation, as the self-inserted protector of the child, known as Bobby. He was singularly responsible for the child's emotional welfare. Since the inner child had been terrorized by past events and had endured severe emotional trauma, "the guard" now stood at the only door that led to the child's emotions. It became his sole duty to exact any punishment necessary on anyone who attempted to harm the child further.

This dedicated and decisive personality was not sought out by any other part of the psyche, known as Bobby Jameson, but to the contrary, appeared on his own, born out of necessity exhibited by the traumatized child. This Doc Holliday-like character, whose only purpose was to inflict damage on emotional trespassers, still stands at his post today. The introduction of "other personalities" or "alter egos", occurred spontaneously as the matter of need arose. "The guard's" very existence was an outgrowth of such a need.

Since the inner child is the essence of the human being known as Bobby Jameson, the protection of that essence or "original person" was primary to the ongoing emotional security, if not the very existence of this person. "The guard" did not follow rules, he had but one single purpose for being, "Protect the child at all costs." Unlike multiple personality syndrome, I was acutely aware of this "other personality" within my own conscious mental framework. I also, over time, learned to warn people that if they went too far they would encounter "the guard".

At the end of 1973, or beginning of 1974, I'm not sure, I fought for a reason to even continue on, in light of all that had happened to me. There were many times back then when I was confronted by those who attempted to belittle me based on my extreme history. By then, I'd become more like two people than one, the ever trusting kid with a smile and a song, and the darker overseer known as "the guard". When fully engaged, "the guard" does not feel pain, or fear any form of consequence which might arise as a result of him carrying out his single job. He has no sense of fair play, and his presence, once mobilized, is self sufficient in the extreme, without the slightest regard for those he is tracking.

In the beginning, I was not as aware as I am now, of the unequalled commitment to the child that "the guard" can and will exhibit when necessary. In Hollywood, as I stated before, there were those who, at times, attempted to glorify themselves at my expense, foolishly believing they had little to fear from me. Those moments are forever enshrined in the undying reputation I earned from them as their once large set of balls shrunk on those occasions.

The personal psychology of trauma inflicted on me, by me, was the worst of it. Once I was willing to establish a concrete pact of non-suicide with myself, or stopped threatening myself with murder, "the guard" appeared. This I find quite interesting, in that it appears that "the guard's" real value was only relevant if, in fact, I became one of those trying to protect myself, as opposed to being the primary source for the infliction of pain and or destruction of myself.

This agreement did not carry over at that time to the destructive use of various substances, which were, in fact, the worst offenders against any common sense I might have possessed had I been sober. The second area of concern that remained unchecked was that of putting my life in jeopardy when facing combatants on the street or in bars when the occasion would arise. The fact of the matter was, that it was "the guard" who would issue each deadly notice all the way to a death threat if necessary. It would take a lot more time, and eventual sobriety, to limit, in even the smallest way, the impulsive nature of "the guard" and his extreme pursuit of the child's ultimate safety.